Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed

Illness as a path to Real Health or The Power of saying No

Last week I visited a couple of old friends in Montreal and what was clear that was that they were overwhelmed. What made this emotion even more obvious that both had recently acquired a dog to help them cope. It was all surreal to me, because both had just recently told me they were never again going to have a dog, but their emotional need for unconditional affection outweighed their logic. As I sat with them and chatted not only did their state of mind scream “I am overwhelmed!”, they even told me directly – which was very unusual for these old friends. They also did not look terribly healthy, which, once again was odd, as both of them went to the gym to exercise and stay fit. It struck me as so out of character that it inspired me to write about it.

Quite frankly, just looking at my newsfeed overwhelms me. War. Probable famine in the fall. Gas prices. House prices. Rising interest rates. Friends losing their job. Friends getting cancer. Older mothers losing their memory. Kids unable to find a good mate. Arthritis pain every time I do some work. And a 33 C heat wave in Ottawa today. It’s all just too much! Many years ago I let myself be overwhelmed. I said “yes’ to every new opportunity. The result was predictable. My body shut down and I got very, very ill and could not work for several years. Was that an overly drastic way for my body to tell my mind to slow down? Yes – but it worked! I did slow down, I did stop being overwhelmed and now, many years later, my quality of life is probably much better than it would have been if I had continued in the fast lane. Now, what does Science tell us about being overwhelmed?

In their book, Immunity to Change, Harvard professors Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey discuss how the increase in complexity associated with modern life has left many of us feeling “in over our heads.” When this is the case, the complexity of our world has surpassed our “complexity of mind” or our ability to handle that level of complexity and be effective. This has nothing to do with how smart we are, but with how we make sense of the world and how we operate in it. The cognitive impact of feeling perpetually overwhelmed can range from mental slowness, forgetfulness, confusion, difficulty concentrating or thinking logically, to a racing mind or an impaired ability to problem solve. When we have too many demands on our thinking over an extended period of time, cognitive fatigue can also happen, making us more prone to distractions and our thinking less agile. Any of these effects, alone, can make us less effective and leave us feeling even more overwhelmed. If you are feeling constantly overwhelmed, here are some key strategies to try:

Pinpoint the primary source of overwhelm. Ask yourself the question, “What one or two things, if taken off my plate would alleviate 80% of the stress that I feel right now?” While you may still be responsible for these items and cannot actually take them off your plate, this question can still help you identify a significant source of your stress. If it’s a big project that’s almost done, finish it. Or, if it’s the sheer size of the task or project that is overwhelming you, break it down into more manageable components, ask for additional resources or renegotiate the deadline if you are able — or all of the above. What’s even better – learn to say “no” to some requests.

Set boundaries on your time and workload. This can include “time boxing” the hours you spend on a task or project, leaving the office by a certain time, or saying no to specific types of work. Ajay realized he was spending a significant amount of time mediating conflicts between various team members, which was not only an unproductive use of his time, but also reinforced their behavior of escalating issues to him instead of learning to resolve these problems themselves. Saying “no” to these escalations and setting expectations that they do their best to work out these issues before coming to him, created more breathing room for him to focus on his priorities with fewer distractions.

Challenge your perfectionism. Perfectionism can lead us to make tasks or projects bigger than they need to be, which can lead to procrastination and psychological distress. As things pile up, the sense of overwhelm grows, which can then lead to more procrastination and more overwhelm. Sheryl Sandberg famously said, “Done is better than perfect.” Know when “good” is “good enough” by asking yourself, “What is the marginal benefit of spending more time on this task or project?” If the answer is very little, stop where you are and be done with it. Part of this is also recognizing that we cannot do everything perfectly. Is there a them here? Yes! Say “no” to perfect and yes to good enough.

Outsource or delegate. Ask yourself, “What is the highest and best use of my time?” Activities that don’t fall within your answer can be taught and/or delegated to others. This can include managing selected projects, delegating attending certain meetings, having a team member conduct the initial interviews for an open position, or outsourcing the cleaning of your home and meal preparation. Once again, your way to not become overwhelmed, and eventually sick, is to say “no” to busy work and if it really needs doing get another person to help you out.

Challenge your assumptions. If feeling overwhelmed is an ongoing struggle, it is likely that you have assumptions that are keeping you stuck in unproductive behaviors. Kegan and Lahey refer to these as “Big Assumptions.” While these big assumptions felt real to each of us, these limiting beliefs were not likely 100% true and kept them stuck in old patterns that significantly contributed to their sense of overwhelm. Here is the #1 assumption to

So, what can you do? Well, it’s the most obvious, but the most difficult thing of all: DO LESS. Sounds easy, right? Well, I have tried and it is very hard – unless of course you get sick – then it’s easy. I would strongly suggest that you avoid illness as a solution to being overwhelmed but, sadly, it is a common “method”. A better way to not being overwhelmed and staying healthy – both physically and mentally and emotionally – is to say “NO”! So, help save the world by saying no to most of the trivia of life so that you can concentrate on the few big decisions and actions that matter – like consuming less stuff, doing fewer large and energy intensive trips and most important of all, being content with your life, your family, and your friends. Then you can truly enjoy life and not be overwhelmed like my old friends in Montreal.

https://hbr.org/2019/10/how-to-deal-with-constantly-feeling-overwhelmed

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